Freaky Florida State Friday: The Rockers

Apr 13, 2013; Fort Worth, TX, USA; WWE wrestler Shawn Michaels drives the pace car before the NRA 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. Mandatory Credit: Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Jimbo Fisher is creating an interesting situation for the Florida State Seminoles. Despite most people assuming Jameis Winston is going to be the man behind center this season, Uncle Jim has more than gone out of his way to point out Jacob Coker is still in the running to start for Florida State. All of that does do, however, is provide people like me the chance to take (very) uneducated guesses as to why.

I can only think of one other example where the obvious thing isn’t actually being acknowledged. Well, I guess that’s depending on how many different variations of it you have seen, there could be more than one example — The Freaky Friday scientific formula.

Yes, that Freaky Friday. The Disney movie which has been adapted, changed or altered in one way or another eleventy-billion times. The Freaky Friday formula is pretty simple. Two people, usually one an adult while the other a child — switch brains, or souls, or something. What follows is a slew of hilarity in the most glorious of PG formats. Old person learns how tough it is to be a kid living with his six-figure earning parents and the kid learns being a top-notch attorney, accountant or general office doorstep isn’t as cool as playing video games with your buddy from down the road.

Here is the thing about Freaky Friday movies; nearly every person in the history of the world has seen at least one variation of it. We all know what’s coming and which life lessons we should expect to learn. It is something as obvious as what is going on with Florida State. Everyone and their (respective) mothers knows Winston is going to start. But still, Fisher refuses to acknowledge this and pushes Coker on the world harder than Lindsay Lohan’s fall from grace post Freaky Friday star-turn.

First, I need to point out an issue with Freaky Friday formulas. It doesn’t explain the long-term alterations to the young character’s life. Seriously, think about it. The kid is usually a preteen and got hurled inside a grown person’s body. At some point in the movie — because directors are secretly pedophiles — the kid is put in a sexual situation. Not only is that borderline statutory rape, but what about the scars the kid has to live with for the rest of their life. We will do without any of that and use adults switching bodies with other adults.

Okay. Enough about that.

Here is the thing. The Winston and Coker situation can be broken down using the Freaky Friday formula. To do that, though, I need to thrust their souls into other folks’ bodies. For today’s wonderful adventure the two quarterbacks will switch bodies with The Rockers from the WWF, circa the 1990s.

Winston is the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. He is flashy, has style and substance. Everyone loves the guy. He has charisma and the ability to wow in even the most mundane situations (like a spring game). Winston is extremely funny on Twitter just like HBK was when he was doing some parody promos during the Attitude Era in wrestling. Winston — outside of being a mythological beast — is also projected to be the long-term solution and star for Florida State — just like Michaels was the projected star from his tag team, The Rockers.

Coker is Marty Jannetty (minus the whole drugs and booze addictions). Both have nearly as much talent as the former comparison. What is absent from these guys, however, is that charm, charisma and the ability to grab hold of the masses with just their presence. It doesn’t mean Jannetty is bad or anything, but nobody thought of him in the same light as HBK — much in the same way no one thinks of Coker as being on the same level of Winston. That is despite everyone’s ability to be around the same skill level. I mean, as much as I am rooting for Winston to win the job it would be naive of me to not recognize that Coker does have some serious ability.

No one thought Jannetty would ever reach the level of Michaels. In fact, using hindsight, he never did. It’s really unfair to do that to Coker at the moment, but I haven’t heard a ton of Coker for QB chants on the Interwebs — much like I am the only person still cheering for a broken down Jannetty.

Fisher (who would be Sherri Martel for this horrible analogy) is in a predicament where he has to choose between Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty. It seems like Winston is eventually winning in this quarterback race because EVERYONE thinks he is the better man for the job now and in the future.

Now, we just need to convince Winston to throw Coker through a barber shop window.

Um, I apologize. Twitter @JosephNardone