Sure there is plenty of sports going on right now. The NFL preseason is underway, the MLB season is in full swing and rumors have it that something called the Lingerie Football League has a another season about to get started. But there is something just beyond the horizon, so close, yet so far away. Something we have waited and missed for far too long.
You guessed it. Another season of College football is less than a week away.
If you’re a college football die-hard chances are the time is going by very slowly. It’s like the night before Christmas as a child. You know that plenty of toys will be under the Christmas tree in the morning and the excitement just won’t let you sleep. You toss, you turn, you count sheep, but nothing helps you fall into a slumber so you can awake to find all the goodies you asked Santa for (by the way, Santa, still waiting for my Teddy Ruxpin).
For me at least, the same logic is applied to football season. I’m like most of you out there. I love me all sports, whether it be the NFL, MLB, MLS, NCAA or whatever. But you see, my heart belongs to another. It only has irregular heartbeats for one sport. I only shed a tear for one thing — okay. I shed a lot of tears for a lot of things, but that’s not the point..
Time can’t go by quick enough. Sure, the weekends are fine and go by fairly quick with the NFL preseason. Yet, on the weekdays my soul is as empty as John L. Smith’s bank account. Football on a Monday night, fine that gets me by for a few hours. Again on a Thursday, sometimes, well….Okay I guess. But nothing, AND I MEAN NOTHING, fills up my picture-box viewing time like some college football. Which is now on the TV almost every day of the week.
A man must find his way to bide his time until opening kick comes though. Simply staring blankly into the television won’t make the games start any sooner. That is why I am going to help you, help yourself, make Jadeveon Clowney slapping fools upside the head come that much quicker.
Um, Pay Attention to Your Significant Other
Pay attention to your significant other. Sure, they’re probably a huge pain in the rear-end, but if you spend time with them now, the fact you’re going to ignore them for some MACtion will be easier for them to accept.
If (and that’s a big if) you actually like this person, time should go by really fast. Going to the movies, the park or for dinner together will only strengthen your bond and make you feel far less guilty when you ignore them from late August to some point in January (when you will start ignoring them for college hoops).
If you don’t like them, well, who cares. Spend time with them anyway. Start using the “Dutch” paying system when going on dates. Anything that will help until the Club St. Pool Cleaners open up against the St. Roy Regal Steamers in September.
Plus who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky.
Go to the Gym
Work out. Chances are you’re kind of chubby. I’m not saying that to be mean-spirited, but take a look at yourself in the mirror. Can you stand to lose a few pounds? Even if it’s only for vanity reasons. It will surely help you out with ladies (or gentlemen).
If, somehow, you’re one of those people who are the pillar of health, good for you. I don’t like you, although, I’m sure the guys at Golds Gym do. If you fall into this category all you need to do is keep on keeping on. Get out those 75 pound dumbbells and do some curls, Rocko.
Working out is not only productive and healthy, but it will certainly help the time go by so much quicker. It could also help out with our previous suggestion for biding time until opening kick.
In an unrelated note, have you noticed Planet Fitness’s ad campaign? So their key demographic is targeting people who don’t like working out? Wouldn’t that be like an “Adult Only” dating service soliciting Jerry Sanduscky as a client?
Open a Book
Read a book. A real book. Not one of those fancy Kindles that all the kids love. If you don’t remember what they look like or what they are this should jog your memory. It has a front AND a back. In between those 2 fancy areas are a bunch of pieces of paper with words on them.
What does a Kindle have to offer? Convenience, so what. Multiple books in one easy to carry item, you lazy bum. Talk about overrated.
Not only will reading a book help you learn stuff from time to time but it will also help you pass it. But for the love of Sam Cassell, please heed my advice, read an actual book. A cheap book is like 5 bucks while a Kindle costs a lot more. Which one of those are you willing to take into the urination chamber with you?
A book would not be ruined by a little accidental overfill while your Kindle would forever be ruined and smell like, you know, urine.
Pickle some cucumbers. Yes, you have read that correctly. Who in their right mind likes cucumbers? If you find me a man who prefers them to pickles I’ll show you a man with little dignity. It’s really a simple process involving some acidic solution and leaving time for the future pickle to ferment.
Not only will this help you solve the biding time issue, but it just sounds dirty. When your friend calls you and asks you what you’re doing and you reply with, “Nothing really, just fermenting my pickles”, the reaction alone will only be matched by eating one of those delicious morsels.
Plus, pickles go with everything. From hamburgs all the way to bologna sandwiches — pickles are that extra topping that make everything better. To put it more simply, pickles is the kicker on your favorite team who goes overlooked and unappreciated throughout the whole season. Still, when the time comes, nobody is as important as that kicker.
Visit Chop Chat
Sure, Chop Chat is a relatively young site. What we do have going for us that others do not is pretty simple. We are as free to read as are most websites. What we don’t do to you, though, is regurgitate other sites’ news or stories. Instead, we try to bring you different stories, news or our (bad) satire articles. We aren’t trying to compete with other, more prominent FSU sites — we are trying to be an alternative.
Oh, and we have some fermented cucumbers for you….
Me, Twitter @JosephNardone