Another National Signing Day has come and gone, and Florida State had a nice day, moving up from fourth to third in the national recruiting class rankings. And while ‘Nole fans had their own list of players with which to concern themselves, every university’s fans go through more-or-less the same thing. Simply paying attention to Twitter allows one to see that, as much as we feel we’re different, and special, and unique, on National Signing Day, most college football fans follow the same rules. If you’re new to this, then next year simply follow these guidelines, and instead of worrying about whether or not you’re acting like an idiot, you’ll be certain you are:
- If a player has ever worn any of your school’s merchandise, he’s signing with your team. Always.
- Any skinny kid signing with your rival is an injury waiting to happen. On your team, he’s a burner who you can’t wait to see return kickoffs.
- Any player with past disciplinary problems who signs with your school is just a kid with some growing up to do. If the same player signs with a rival school, he’s a vicious thug who doesn’t live up to the lofty moral standards at your school and is probably better suited at the seedy environment of your rival.
- The Michigan Rule: Any player with qualifying issues signing with your school is being given a chance at self improvement and should avail himself readily to the grace being bestowed by your impeccable alma mater. If he signs with another school, then he obviously just couldn’t keep up with your school’s rigorous academic standards anyway.
- Any pair of players deciding to attend your school to play together demonstrate loyalty, friendship, and teamwork. If they go to your rival, then they’re mindless automatons who can’t think for themselves and are certainly making a huge mistake.
- Any player who contrives some sort of gimmick to make his announcement for another school is immature, childish, and cocky. If he does it while picking your school, he’s playful, has a quirky sense of humor, and is probably gonna be a really great locker room guy.
- Any player signing with a team coming off a less successful season than your team just had is only going there because he can get early playing time and you’re freaking loaded anyway. Any player who selects a school coming of a more successful year is just drinking the Kool Aid and probably won’t see the field because they always oversign.
- The Collins-McDowell Rule: Any player rebelling against his parents’ wishes to attend your school is independent and should be able to make his own decisions. Any player who succumbs to the pressure to attend your school is all about family and loves his mother.
- And finally — and this is crucial, like not feeding your Mogwai after midnight — always, always tweet at players about the repercussions of their decisions. As we all know, this is a decision between a young man, his family, and an anonymous 47-year-old actuary in Tampa.